Hope Beats Not Knowing

In my last post, I mentioned HP will be getting a CT scan to assess the progress in shrinking his lung tumor. The doctor was emphatic about not ordering a PET scan due to the amount of radiation.

Yesterday was that day. True to form, the Unplanned Journey continues. The doctor ordered CT and PET scans, along with a blood test. I mentioned to the staff that the doctor’s wishes were to skip the PET scan to which she replied, “no, Howard will complete both tests.” I’m convinced that the pecking order goes like this at the cancer center. Top dog is Scheduling. Next in line is staff. And, third, is the doctor. 🙃

Today is the day we meet with the oncologist to discuss the results and to hear her recommended course of action. Since his last chemo cocktail on November 30 (Zometa, carboplatin, alimta, keytruda, anti-nausea and steroids, and the occasional B12), I have been in this strange tug of war between fear and love. Fear of not knowing. Love of hope. It puts my mind at ease when I compartmentalize, so in my mind, the feeling of Love and Hope resides in the present moment and the feeling of fear and Not Knowing resides outside of the present moment.

What a beautiful, gigantic life lesson this Unplanned Journey is providing through what seems to be a never-ending supply of examples. I suspect these examples will keep coming up as often as needed, because it is my desire to ace the test on Present Moment Living.

What I know for sure is that Howard didn’t experience all the bad side effects that were expected with this prescribed cocktail. He still has hair. Nausea fluctuates in duration and intensity, but has been manageable. Energy ebbs and flows, but he has been able to keep up with family and friends’ activities. He continues to be on the miracle man path.

What does the future hold? Who knows? No one knows.

To be continued after today’s appointment…

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